A Window to My Soul
Updated: May 31, 2020
I enjoy being alone. I enjoy conjuring images in my head against a backdrop of solitude. I prefer the anonymity in the crowd over the intimacy of conversation. No matter where I am, I am 90% in my mind, and this has many advantages and drawbacks, as you might imagine.
Advantages: I can think of anything creative at the drop of a hat. I can take a relatively simple story concept and blow it up into a series of books. I can be very witty and sarcastic in virtually any social setting. I am extremely self-aware and socially conscious, which means I can quickly decipher whether or not a person I am talking to is actually interested in what I am saying, or I can recognize the reasons people think and act in certain ways because I can place myself in their shoes, even if we have no obvious similarities or experiences. I can also write from the perspectives of a wide variety of fictional characters in a style that is somewhat like acting, only instead of on stage, it is in a word document. I can empathize with anyone. Become anyone.
Drawbacks: Anxiety. Terrible social anxiety. When you are hyper-aware of your own faults and lack of eloquence in conversation, you tend to sink into your own head and become uncomfortably self-conscious. This may cause you to sweat, shake, and stumble over your words, which exacerbates your anxiety. More trouble arises when you realize the person you are talking to doesn’t care what you have to say, and you have to quickly duck out of the conversation before you cast too many pearls. Most people, you realize, navigate the world wearing a particular persona, and when you can see right through the mask, it can be disheartening.
My goal in life is not to be alone, however. I do have a need for the occasional interaction with human beings. I often feel lonely. I yearn for someone with whom I can truly connect in a way I have not been able to connect with anyone else. Who doesn’t? I want to raise 3-12 children with someone I can rely upon, especially when I am weakened by the wickedness in the world.
My unquenchable desire to write and create stories began to shape my future goals when I was eight or nine years old. I wrote a dozen stories on folded pieces of paper stapled together into “books.” When I was nine I crafted my first fantasy epic, Uetrod, the story of an alien god with golden eyes destined to save his home planet from the humans who would invade it. Along with the story, I had a binder full of fictional alphabets and vocabulary, illustrations, a glossary for the alien creatures (e.g. “glariioesin” or “dragon-like beasts”), and much more. I still have the binder to this day, and I plan to return to that story at a later date. The creation of Uetrod led to many rewrites, including one version I wrote on our family computer when I was in 7th grade that ended up being over 800 pages long on Open Office. The last time I attempted to rewrite Uetrod, I was a sophomore, and I stopped at around page 450 and never finished.
Also around that time, midway through my sophomore year, I decided high school was an absolute nightmare thanks to mounting anxiety and depression. I needed to escape as quickly as possible. I stopped going to “hangouts” and “parties” and instead focused all of my energy on taking the necessary steps to graduate early. My friends stopped texting me, and I grew more distant from my peers. I graduated three months into my senior year, dropped off the face of the earth, and never looked back.
I needed a fresh start. Since graduation, I have worked two jobs, taken a year’s worth of college courses at a local university, and published two books, Liquid Death and Dawning Life. I bet you can guess what inspired me to write Kandi’s character the way I did. She represented my darker, depressing side. The side that didn’t like to be touched, looked at, or talked to. Juan, on the other hand, represented the side of me that longed for romance and itched to rebel against authority figures whenever possible. Writing through them helped me cope with a period of crippling loneliness and self-abasement.
My ultimate goal in life is to become a wife and mother. In the meantime, I am working toward the much smaller goal of supporting myself by doing what I enjoy most at the moment: writing. I have more books on the horizon, the next of which is Gray Haze, a fantasy/horror novel, which I will publish in 2022.
What will this blog be about? My writing process, story ideas, random thoughts, potentially offensive thoughts and opinions, and bonus scenes not included in my books. I’ll even post pictures of my cat once in a while (spoiler: she’s the cutest cat in the world).
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I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. — Henry David Thoreau